I can appreciate all your problems. Lost my dad in Dec. 2008, mom’s in nursing home now. She’s 89. Dad was 93. They had been married 69 years, but dad didn’t recognize her close to the end. The trauma brought on a small stroke in mom, but enough trauma to put her in a nursing home. Prior to that we brought her to our home, but she could not bathe herself, kept falling because she would not use her walker, didn’t want me out of her sight. At doctor’s urging, I checked out nursing homes. First, went to Medicare.gov. There I checked out nursing homes in my area, then went to visit ones interested in. I arrived unannounced, went on a tour, then asked to look around for myself. I looked everywhere. I “smelled” the place. Talked to residents to see if they liked it. Observed how they looked (clean, hair combed, involved, or just sitting around dirty, sleeping in wheelchairs, nothing going on), then I spoke to the employees…asked how long they had been there. (Long term employees indicate a facility with contented employees). Check out the food…how it looks and smells. Watch to see if the residents really eat it. I liked one place very much…until they did not want me to visit the Alzheimer’s Unit. If they steer you from ANY part, do not keep your parent there.
Mom is a resident at a home 2 miles from my house. It has been a Godsend. They are so wonderful to her. She has friends, TONS of activities…at least 2 every day, a beauty shop, meals with tablecloths, cloth napkins, individual waiters, and an incredible re-hab wing.
Exense: Mom is on Medicaid. We had to spend down her savings (all but $999), but then Medicaid took over and has provided her with wonderful care. She has a new hearing aid, has a psychologist visit weekly, nurses watching over her constantly, a beautiful room with a wonderful view…and all paid for.
Do not beat yourself up, thinking you must keep your parent at home! If you can, it’s wonderful, but if it affects your health, your marriage, it’s not working. It’s not working for you…OR your parent. Mom has been at Delmar Gardens for almost a year now. She is content most of the time, has friends, is very busy and, now that the Dementia is taking a firmer hold, as well as the Sundowners, she has people who are trained to watch over her. And they do it with with great love, understanding and medical know-how.
I know I have more compassion and time with mom now than ever before. I go over at least 3 or 4 times a week. I do her hair, her nails, we sit and talk or we attend one of the activities, do a project or just sit together. I do not feel guilty, in fact I know she’s better off.
Let yourself consider the option of a nursing home without feeling guilty at all. If you go visit, and you find something that interests you, they should have a Social Services Director who could give you information regarding the cost and how you can afford it. I did not know this until the Soc. Services rep. at the hospital told me about it.
God bless you all. I feel for you. You are indeed, not alone.
Pattie
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